Blog #2 - Family and Marriage

    This week I learned something about family and marriage that I would like to share and say what I think. First I want to talk about family systems and there was something in particular that I thought was so true when I heard it. I am one of five kids and I learned that the first child is closer and more like the father. The second child is closer and more like the mother. The third child focuses on relationships with the family and is more sensitive. The fourth child is more likely to go into something that has to do with marriage as a career, not necessarily but is likely. And in this case I have five and in many families the youngest is the most spoiled because they are the youngest and that is just a thing in families.

    In my family that is very true, I am the oldest and I am very similar to my dad. I look more like my dad, I laugh at his humor. I would say that I am a daddy's girl in that sense going along this topic. My brother, the second oldest, is more like my mom. They both have the same kind of humor and always understand what the other person is saying. Like me and my dad I am the only one that laughs at his jokes or get what he is saying. The third youngest is very affectionate and kind, he just has that sweet soul and is nice to everyone and wants to always talk to people and be friendly. He is the one geared towards building a relationship, like I said earlier. So learning about this had me picture my family and I was thinking this is spot on with my family. I could see why that was a family system theory. Are any of your families like that? 

    There are many family system theories such as boundaries, role, rules (like the unspoken rule). In every family there is an unspoken rule that you didn't really know why that was unspoken until you were older. So while you are reading this think of what your family's unspoken rule was. One that came to mind that was kind of unspoken but we kinda knew was to not go out on Sunday's. My dad was the one who didn't want to go out and spend money, even if we needed something from the grocery store. So if ever my mom or one of us kids needed anything we would kind of sneak away and hurry to get what we needed before he knew we were gone. I would like to say he never got mad, that is just what he didn't want to do. Then when we came back we would make sure he wasn't in the kitchen or the living room where he could see us bring stuff in. After we were in the kitchen we would throw away the bags so he didn't see it.

    Everyone in the church has always been told to relax on the sabbath, but the not going to the store when I was younger didn't quite make sense to me until I got older and got married. All the time now when I got to the store on sunday for something I would see so many people wearing church clothes. I then realized that it was okay to go to the store if you needed to, there was nothing wrong with that. There may be more people out there with parents were like that too. Every family has something like this that they didn't know was weird until they were older. So again maybe think of something that was an unspoken rule in your household growing up.

    The other thing I wanted to talk about is marriage. This is a little more geared towards the young newly weds. I got married when I was on the younger side and was still living with my parents before I got married. That is to set boundaries and work together as a dream team, you and your spouse. When you get married and you have just lived with your parents or are really close to them and you tell them everything, set those boundaries. It's already a thing to have boundaries set with your parents and in-laws. But especially when you are younger and get married, set those boundaries, make sure you are a team with your spouse. Always side with your spouse, because your spouse is now your family and the two of you are a team. Before even getting married, set those boundaries with each other's parents. Also set those boundaries in the marriage that if the two of you are talking about something don't turn around and tell your parents.

    Boundaries are very important, I am the first one to get married in my family and it was new to me and my parents. So set those boundaries because my parents were use to helping me and showing me what to do. That's different when you are married, you want to make sure they know what not to talk to you about. I could say this a lot but setting those boundaries are so important. The most important thing also to remember is to set them at the beginning of your marriage and not waiting too long. When you do bring it up it's awkward because you waited too long and they are used to doing it. I can't say this enough but set those boundaries, and before you get married.